Growing up, my mom took my three sisters and myself to a Christian church. I learned about Jesus and God and the Bible in Sunday School classes and once I was a little older I attended the main services. As a kid, I believed what I was taught but once I got into high school, I started to question things. I stopped going to church and decided to put my spirituality on the shelf. It wasn't until I started experiencing mental health issues that my spirituality came off the shelf and I started to look at it more closely. I feel like my experiences with marijuana (good and bad) may have activated my interest in spirituality initially because I remember pondering the universe while I was high. But, my strong need to know the truth about reality didn't really set in until once I started feeling unstable. I think this is because in my instability I needed something to hang on to, something firm and steady like God.
I've heard stories of people having bad experiences with religion and "the church" in their lives, but that never really happened to me. Once I got back home to my mom's house to recover after my mental health outbreak, I started seriously considering going back to the Christian church. I thought about it really hard. In fact, I think I thought about this decision so hard that it actually contributed to me feeling more unstable. I would lay in bed for hours feeling tired and sick from my illness and just pray to Jesus and God. I would experiment with just praying to God and not Jesus to test to see if Jesus was real or not. I had always had this deep feeling that God was real, even as a very young girl. But I was never quite sure about Jesus. But I'll tell you--- I was terrified at the thought that Satan and demons might be real and that if I didn't believe the right thing I would go to hell when I died. I was also very worried about all the other people in the world and what their destiny was. These kinds of thoughts only added extra pressure and stress to my mind and made me feel more sick. So, I eventually decided to return to what was familiar and to what I thought God was telling me to do when I prayed. I returned to the Christian church and sang songs to Jesus and prayed with new made friends. I didn't realize it at the time, but the relationships I invested in at my church became an essential support system for me. And, the outlet of using my spiritual nature to express my heart to God and feel the freedom of relating to a supreme being made me really happy and aided my healing process.
While I was living at my mom's house I went to a small nearby church while I also took a couple classes each term at the local university. These classes were easy and fun. They were Jazz Band (where I played my tenor saxophone for two terms), Saxophone lessons, History of Rock and Roll, and Philosophy of Sex and Love. In the fall I decided to take a shot at a larger university again and move 30min down the road from my mom. I moved into an apartment with three other girls and crossed my fingers really tight. I learn from the EAST program that moving can sometimes be stressful for someone with a mental health issue, so I was trying to be extra careful. I was still receiving support from the EAST team, but I would be transitioning off of their program soon. I researched the nearby Christian churches and quickly found one that I liked. I met a lady there named Charlotte on the first day I attended. I didn't know it at the time, but she would play an important role in my life to come. She found out that I was into art and music and invited me to check out a community prayer space near campus led by another ministry. Little did I know, but this ministry would change my life.
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